


God, forgive me because I found myself.

by LaPetiteShippeuse



Category: D Gray Man
Genre: Other, lavi's dilemma, struggle for life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24702874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaPetiteShippeuse/pseuds/LaPetiteShippeuse
Summary: Near of midnight in the Black Order after his archivist work in the library, Lavi has a conversation with God ; a confession.
Kudos: 3





	God, forgive me because I found myself.

Near of midnight in the library of the Black order, a redhead had just finished his work. Only a little candle on the table where he was recording located next to him was lighting this dark place. Closing his book and running a hand through his air, he was then watching the big window on his left from where he was seated. The moon was so enormous, and so shining. It was illuminating the whole night from outside.

As he was feeling the need to leave a dark place and to go towards a lighter one, impossible to reach by the presence of a transparent wall, but where everything could be seen, Junior was attracted by this beautiful white circle. He stood up from his table and seated on the little bench, putting one of his feet on it, and whispered in the little light there was already in the room, still watching the night sky and the stars :

“Good evening, there...!”

A few seconds of silence passed, thinking in his mind “err, gosh, why am I even doing that...?” before he moves on.

“Huh...Listen, I-uh... To be fairly honest with you, contrary to the others, I don’t share the faith you exist...But if you do...I have something to confess...And I’d like to clear all this, as I’m alone for now, before, you know...socializing again...”

He took a deep breath, profoundly inspiring and expiring, without taking consciousness of his heartbeat’s acceleration. He felt so uncomfortable in this situation.

“I have the impression that...I have a need to confess things...Things that...I’ve never said to anyone, and...that I’ll never tell to anyone...So let’s keep this secret just between us, okay man ?  
Look, I have a situation, here. You know I am...a Bookman’s successor, right ? And for all this time, since I’ve had this position, I was constantly conscious of my succession. I’ve always had stuck on my mind the responsibility of being the new leader of a whole Clan, the facts of keeping continually a distance with relationships I shared, never ever get too attached to people, being careful to that, always remember the same reason why am I in this or that place, which is the records. All this was literally printed on my mind, as my eidetic eye. And I knew that someday, I’ll leave all this people, dead or alive.

But now...

It’s like I’ve been...blind.

It’s like I’ve forgotten all this printed reasons of my presence in the Black Order. Like all the ink with which I write was erasing itself, no matter what.

Hey, you know I’m a reserved guy, right ? You know that when I have company, I’m always enjoying the moment, happy, making jokes and all...You know that this is not the real me. You know that this is only to keep the distance...

You know I’m a fake guy, right ? But...am I ?  
The thing is that : I don’t know anymore tonight...

I’m so uncomfortable with my emotions, as I changed my name, through the years, 49 times...I have this impression to just blame myself...I just don’t like myself, like I am my own worst enemy right now. I can’t even deal with myself...

Something has happened. And it’s still happening. I...-gosh...- I feel it. Coming from inside me. I was not expected to that...

What this girl did to me...This Road Kamelot...A horrible person. Hard to believe she’s been and still is a human being after all. I was in one of her dreams, fighting the guys whose I’m on the side of. People I...attached. This is what I realized ; and it was so painful. But what was strange was that...it was independent of my will. I could not control it...Damn, this was terrible. I had to stab myself to survive...

Gosh, am I cursed ?  
Thinking about it, I realize I never felt before...I know I mustn’t feel anyway for my entire life...

Man, it’s so hard.  
When I met him, I remember he first tried to kill me. And I remember I tried to kill him. But what else could I do ? He looked like a vampire ! No that I’m scared of vampires, after all he drank my blood to save me but...no, a-anyway, just forget this last sentence...This guy was secretly in love with an akuma. And she was in love with him. A true passionating but sad love story. I felt bad for him. But he decided to follow us, not that what he did to her was not gratuitous. And he was right. Plus, there is one thing he’ll never be : he’ll never be alone anymore. This place is where he belongs...I don’t...

When I met this guy, he was damn serious. It’s hardly if I’ve even seen him smiling. I used to call him by his first name ; thing that he clearly hates. And he knows how to make you understand it ! Ever since I know him I’ve done that. He’s funny after all, being susceptible anytime. Japanese guy. But overall, he is the best fighter and combative person I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Scary. But combative...But scary as well.

When I met him next, he was healing himself. He seemed to fought very toughly the day before. I remember I was in France with the old panda before I met him. I discovered that he had a cursed left eye because of his adoptive dead father he transformed in akuma. One day, I saw what his eyes could see. And man...I judged that this was hell. I felt so compassionate for him at that moment. Sometimes I wonder what others curses he endured ? Knowing that he almost died, loosing his Innocence...What a brave little boy.

But...everything really started with her.  
She was one of the first person I met in the Black Order. I was upstairs, she was in the funeral, downstairs. She was crying. Looking at me. Something happened to me that day. This day, I discovered that people who are stuck in a war not only do it ; they suffer it. This is horribly painful for them ; overall for her. I realized I had the chance to decide of my future ; she didn’t have this chance. And it’s possible she will never have.

I had something she will never know... And on the other side, she has comrades...I will never have. Fairy tails, only fairy tails, where I don’t belong...

She is special to me. What a feel for her is...I don’t know. It’s...I don’t know...Indescribable. But it is so strong, so...It’s...It’s a fire.

Tell me, why can I not stay calm when she is in danger ? Why can I not feel better when she is in pain ? Why can't I keep from cheering her up when she is down ? And why can I not remember my position and stay away from her when she is about to fight ? I...I just cannot stay indifferent when I am by her side. 

She makes me feel different from all my 48 me. She makes me feel myself. Something which sounds so complete when I am with her. Something wrong...

But it’s not gonna happen, isn’t it ? This is war, I am a Bookman, she is an exorcist... And she really likes Allen. Even if she would feel the same, it will not happen. I will never happen.

I cannot feel this way ; I don’t have this right. It’s a shame. A curse. Am I just f...”

He stopped. He was asking himself in the silence of the night what he feels towards her could really be true ? “falling in love”, he was telling to himself.

“I never felt this way before...Please, tell me this is wrong. Tell me this isn’t true...

I know that the day I’ll have to leave her will be the worst day of my life. The end of “Lavi’s journey”...The end of me.”

A rage was boiling in his veins. Suddenly, he stood up again, almost screaming :

“WHY DID HELL I EVER CROSS HER PATH ?!!”

He rubbed his face with his hands, tired of the day he lived. With a last turn to the moon before leaving the library and going to sleep, he whispered :

“God, please, forgive me because, thanks to all these people, I found myself in this life.”

But as he was holding his hand to catch the handle and open the door, he stopped with surprise seeing that someone was already opening it in front of him :

\- Lavi ?

***

And I’ll leave you here for my very first One Shot about D. Gray-Man ! I hope you liked it !  
I love Lavi’s character and I really wanted to write a scene where he is alone, during the night, finally himself, having no social contact to express his feelings in peace. Hope God heard his pray.  
Now, the question is : it is not expected to continue this OS (with another OS), with this ending. It can be considered as an open end. So I am asking you if you would like me to continue or not ? ^^  
Take care if yourself,  
Love.  
LaPetiteShippeuse


End file.
